Smile gorgeous

There are literally so many things I want to tell people but I can’t. Like I literally cannot form the words..at all. All people see is the strong side of me and I’m really tired of being strong. Tonight literally all I could think about was you. We used to paint in our dorm room. Well, I used to paint and you would call me a child and then laugh and kiss me. I told my friend I wanted to go on a picnic at the beach and just be all cute and take pictures all day. Except when I said that, all I could think about was you. Everyone tells me to be over you, you’re a horrible person, blah blah blah. In a sense they are right, but I can’t do it. I can’t forget you. “On my own I’m only half of what I could be.” This means way more to me than it just being a part in our song. I really miss the person you used to be. You were a good person, my first college friend, the first roommate I had that wasn’t psycho as hell, you were my best friend and all of a sudden, you just disappeared. You hurt me like Josh hurt you and you said you would never do that. Not only did you break EVERY promise you made to me, you weren’t there when you should have been. It took so long for me to get you to open up to me, for me to reach “Ashley mountain” but it was for nothing. I can’t handle when anyone else calls me babygirl, I just start crying. You ruined a lot of things for me. I can’t wait to get out of this place just because the only reason I’m here is your fault. I’m still hurting. More than you think. When I saw you in December, that was the biggest mistake of my life. Sitting there listening to you tell me how you just stopped loving me, how I was such a burden, I shouldn’t have gone and then to think that it’d be different if I smoked with you that night. Also, very stupid. You ignored me the whole fucking time. Like I didn’t even exist. What the fuck kind of person does that? Does it kill you to know that you hurt me and that I have so many scars from you? Because it should. You should know that I didn’t make it out of this easily. I cut everyday, at least twice a day. I started throwing up again just to be pretty for you and I learned the very hard way that you are just not a good person anymore. I shouldn’t have given you everything. I shouldn’t have trusted you so much because all your relationships end badly. The night you promised you would visit and stood me up, I got all dressed up, had roses on the table at the restaurant and you just…didn’t show up. You didn’t text me, call me, nothing. Instead, I had to find out because you transferred the money I gave you for gas, back into my account. That was such a bitch move. You really don’t deserve any satisfaction to see me upset, I’m sure you would love knowing I get upset over you still. I wish you wouldn’t have changed. I hate that it took me soo long to admit to you that I was in love with you, you were the first person I came out to besides Meg, considering she helped me figure it out. It was such a constant battle everyday just to be friends with you. I remember having to leave the room at night because I couldn’t handle it. When Josh broke up with you, I stayed in the room, brought you food, did everything in the world to make sure you were okay. When you left the room at 4am I would leave and go find you. You’d always go on walks and smoke cigarettes when you got upset. I’d always know where to find you. The porch out front of Chaudoin was probably the best place. I loved the conversations we had there, the long talks about life. I could literally name everything that happened last year, just because it still feels so real to me. Our friendship was absolutely insane. We were so close. Everyone knew if I was there, you had to be close by. The late nights in the coffee shop because you had to work, I was there, “studying”. Not so much studying, because I was too busy flirting with you. The night my mom freaked the fuck out after we spent the weekend there when I told her I was lesbian. That was by far the worst night in the world. But you were there. You said it was you and me forever. You wouldn’t let anyone hurt me. Instead, you were the one that hurt me. I would have never guessed. Ever. I did everything for you. You knew I was wrapped around your finger. Anytime you wanted/needed anything, you got it. Our one month beach date, was amazing. I think that’s why i have such a fascination for Daytona Beach. The people beside us were so crazy and funny asking us if we were dating. Our 6 months was at Daytona too. I loved it. We got a hotel room, smoked sooo much weed and just had a blast. Monamoo was on tv that night. You laughed at me because I kept saying mommamoo. It makes sense now that you had to spend a night in Josh’s room because I was just as confused as you were. There were crazy feelings between us. I loved the night you taught me how to smoke with my new bowl that Maggie gave me. I was so scared, like so absolutely scared. It took me so long just to light a lighter. You bought a bong from Amsterdam, and like what? a month later, I broke it. You were so high you couldn’t even be mad at me though. Then later it sunk in and I bought you another one.

I feel so stupid for still caring, when I know you probably don’t remember any of this.

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